It would be a lie to say that the last few weeks have been anything but miserable. With the weather changes and several stressful, anxiety filled obligations on my plate my body has totally gone on strike and there is no denying that all of my disorders are “flaring” and making their presence known. Hell, they all got together and have been on a “we’re evil invisible chronic illnesses bender” running around my system and wreaking havoc like 80’s Rock Stars destroying hotel rooms.

The Fibro Fog rolled in; all my myofacial tissue is inflamed, which in turn gives me that lovely swollen and puffy look that is all the rage. According to my massage therapist the muscles in my back could currently double as macramé plant hangers and as I type this blog, my right arm is twitching and I can feel nerve, muscle and bone pain all down the arm, up my neck and in my face. Yes, I’m going to keep typing because there is another symptom that I’ve been experiencing, well, with the nausea, vomiting, headaches, random fevers and so forth, there are actually many more, but the one that is plaguing me the worst today is guilt.

I am pretty sure we’ve all been there and had those days, or even weeks, maybe months … … where there is not much you can do but hang on and get through the worst of it. Sleep it off, take the meds, push, push and push harder just to survive the depression, pain and frustration that go hand in hand with all of the rest of the chronic crap.

If you’re anything like me you bounce back and forth between accepting your limitations and railing against them. One day I can accept that I need rest and should chill and indulge in various distractions just to make it through the long hours and the next day I’m fighting with myself and throwing mini-temper-tantrums over any little thing that goes wrong or annoys me.

After more than a decade of dealing with all of it I now recognize that the tantrums and frustrations are just more side effects. Of course I try to control them and rationalize that I am in fact sick and broken and that it takes a toll mentally as well as physically. It seems that the longer I’m in a “good spell” where my pain and fatigue are minimal, headaches under control, body working reasonably well, etc… the more I resent the flare-ups and bad times. I realize that this is only natural and that part of my anger comes from the understanding that my currently incurable diseases, disorders and syndromes are still incurable regardless of how hard I work. Whether I like it or not there will always be outside influences that are beyond my control, like the weather, sudden bad surprises and normal people illnesses like the flu that can trigger flare ups.

Not to say there isn’t an upside here because actually there is. Like in all things knowledge is power and the knowledge I have gained about myself and the physical issues I face the more empowered I become to help myself and others. While I’m angry as hell at how sick I’ve been the last three months, I can look back over the last decade and see how far I’ve come. Thanks to learning about food and mood journals I can track cycles and patterns in my health and most importantly I know that this bad cycle, this mass flare-up, will pass. I know what I need to do to help myself get over it and how to mitigate the worst of the symptoms.

I am also learning other important lessons, albeit more slowly, such as “how to ask for help” and “it’s okay to say no when you really don’t think you can/should do something” as well as, “there is no such thing as the laundry/dishes/vacuum police” so the world won’t end if a chore isn’t done. My mother might raise a brow but luckily, she’s 300 miles away and doesn’t do surprise visits.

I’m also learning a lot about how to cut myself slack. No one expects perfection except me… okay, maybe mom, but we’ll both get over it. I tried to be perfect once; I was no good at it and hated the shoes.  This still leaves me with the guilt and all the questions from all the voices in my head like “how are we going to get through this or that” “what is the plan” “why are you not working harder” “how come you haven’t figured out how to support yourself yet” and “do we get ice cream today”?  Ok, the last question is easy; yes…we get ice cream today as a reward for writing this blog! *The crowd in my head goes wild*

No joke, that was my predetermined reward; I need to do something productive each day or the guilt monster gets really ugly and aggressive instead of just standing in the corner glowering at me with its snarly lips and squinty, guilt-monster eyes. Since the thing that is plaguing me most right now is earning income and building this site it was critical to get something done after more than a week away. So here I am, and glad for it. Not only do I feel better for having shared, I also am proud that despite the pain, depression (which does seem a little better today) and anxiety I sacked-up and got in some writing. Plus, now I get ice cream. GO ME!

Getting over a bad flare-up cycle is definitely a one-step-at-a-time process for most people most of the time. The hardest part, of course, is those first few steps; getting those dishes done, writing that proposal, taking your first shower in five days (yea, I know you’ve done that too and if you’re saying NOT ME then you’re in the minority, well done) going to the grocery store, getting back on track with exercise and diet – the two things that always seem to be the first to slip when the bad times hit.

In my case, this time, my first steps were to suck it up and go back to the doc to refill some prescriptions. Most who know me know that my choice is to be as chemical free as is possible, this means what I ingest, what I put on my body and what I use to clean with, etc… … so it is always hard for me to say, “I need the meds to get through this” but I do, so I went back on them –Flexural and Neurontin – and will likely stay on them, with doctors supervision, for a few months before slowly going off them again. Last time I was able to go 9 months without the Neurontin and with only occasionally using Flexural. If I did it once, I can certainly do it again – as I’m still talking about my health and not a Kamikaze mission.

If I can just listen to my body, do my stretches, get the soy back out of my diet (as I was eating whatever was fast and easy, like canned Ravioli, vs not eating at all) and quit feeling guilty for all the things I can’t do instead of being satisfied and proud of what I can do in spite of my ICIs I know I can once again, show my body whose really in charge.  Battling the Guilt-Monster is something that I think all of us sickos have to learn how to do at some point but thankfully I think I’m getting the hang of it. And now, I’m gettin’ Ice cream!!